Defensive is optional.

I used to feel defensive every time my husband came home from work. 

What did I do all day?

What are all those packages on the doorstep?

Why was I late from work again? 

Or what night did I need him to ‘babysit’ while I went out to dinner with friends?

I felt constantly judged so I armored up. It affected how we communicated - how I communicated. 

"Why does he question everything I do?"

I didn't like how I felt or how it was affecting our marriage. I also didn't know how to NOT feel defensive. Until I learned this:

I can defend my choices WITHOUT feeling defensive. 

It sounds like, "I worked, met a friend for coffee and then decided it was a nice day to get on my bike."

and "I ordered a few things - we’ll see what I actually keep."

 and "I was willing to stay 15 minutes longer with a client."

and "7:00 pm Thursday. Remember about soccer pickup. It’s in the app. Thanks, babe."

I don't need to feel defensive when I recognize that there’s nothing to defend. When I decide to be me, do me, unapologetically. 

It wasn’t necessarily about what he was saying (or not saying). It was about what I was making it mean.

Defensiveness isn't useful. Defensiveness is an energy drain. Defensiveness is optional.